well it truely has been a while and soo much has happened since my last entry. That creepy boy that followed me at the fair became my boyfriend. we became really close and he will be my best friend for a long time. Granted we are no longer dating but I still talk to him pretty often considering he knows me better than anyone. He surely has done some stupid things that caused us to break up multiple times and in the end i couldn't take what he did. Since then my view of the situation has been altered many times bc of the different stories that I have been told. Regardless I still trust him for some insane reason. Well enough for now it's sunny and i need to be doing something other than sitting in front of the computer..it is time for me to drive home and go outside. If i return I will tell about more recent adventures with asshole boys.

wow another entry for me.. 2 in less than 5 days! Shocker!

3 since May 3rd..I'm not surprised, I lack ambition to do anything.

At the moment I am typing this with one hand a like 2 fingers, one being my thumb on the space bar...

... not much to say other than I'm 10th in WNY in level 2 Spanish! Hah..not a surprise since I've been taking it since 7th grade! I took spanish 1 thrice.once in 7th then the rest in 8th, then again in 9th.

Blah, I saw my niece yesterday, she was trying to rip my bio hw! lol, good excuse "My neice ripped my hw!" lol but I left it in my old notebook, but oh well, as ms. o'day says better late than never...

But she was so cute,and she's started walking, still prefers crawling. I didn't get to see her walk, but I can't wait.

My weekend: Fri in school 13 hrs for art show/cafe missed art awards anyway! got home 9:30 Sat: woke up at 8 freezing, got up got diff blanket, slept til 9 got up ate breakfast, watched cartoons went back to sleep at 10 -slept til noon. got up took shower, got ready for work, watched sabres game, ate slept, went to work at quarter to 4. worked til 9:30, but of course Tom had to stop at post office so I didn't get home til ten. Had some onion rings from dinner, sleep at 11. woke up at quarter to 7 hit the snooze repetitively til 7:05 got up didn't shower, ate breakfast got ready to got to work at quarter to 8, worked til 3 went home got changed went to walmart til 4:20 ate at Brunners, went home started bio, saw my neice, finished bio, did spanish ditto, read history went to bed at 10:30 GREAT WEEKEND! I feel like I never left work.

 

Not much else to write considering that that is all I did...

So my Dad lives in Penn, right? He has since I was like 12 or 13...and I’ve seen him once since he moved; only because Brilynn (my half sister) was born. Even before that he was a dead beat, taking me to the movies once a year if I was lucky, and sending me $50 in a birthday card that was subtracted from an already slim child support check, (by the way we were lucky to get one that week. We never got one before that) So anyways I've always struggled with the things you would expect me to struggle with. Not having a father figure.. I have Tom, and I love him so much, he does so much for me, but it's still not the same to me. It hurts every time I see a friend bonding with her father, because I know that I never had that chance. I've always thought about what could have been, and that has always pulled me down creating a depressed, sarcastic, head strong and far away young girl. It's always been a problem for me. Holidays are horrible; they're just another reminder of what I don't have. And they make me so cynical, do I take his call in an effort to be amiable, or do I hang up telling to enjoy his holiday with his new daughter in an effort to show him how I feel?

But for the past year or so I've been sending him really nasty emails trying to get it to sink in how brutally he has hurt me, and each time he just replies with stupid remarks about how it's not his fault and he's sorry for how it happened, and that he couldn't avoid the divorce.. I'm like hello? I'm glad u got a divorce, I was REALLY little when it happened and I still remember the fights..I 'm mad about what you failed to do AFTER the divorce, like um...be my father? And he just keeps saying things like how's school going, and I love you and just acting like he knows me in general. I don't even know the man he is so vague in my mind. All I remember is how he looks and what his voice sounds like. I've never known him as a person, just this shadow in my mind of what he was supposed to be, one that was absent and left a whole in my heart.

So anyway back on topic, yesterday my mom says, "Guess who called me today."

I was like "dunno, who?"

 "Your father."

And I was like, "Wholly fuck I just e-mailed him today. But why the hell is he calling you?" (they never talk 'cept for when my brother was in the hospital and found out that he had diabetes..)

She basically told me that he wants to come down for my 16th birthday, spend the morning with me and take me to get my permit.

 My response was, "Was this supposed to be a secret?'
"Yes."

"Then y'd you tell me?"

"Because I knew if I didn't you'd be mad."

"No I wouldn't!" I thought about this for a moment, "yea you're right."

I've contemplated this from so many perspectives...

If he comes down and I just let him take me, it's like telling him that I'm okay with him, and I am most definitely not! It's like he's trying to make me think that one visit will erase the past.

Should I let him come down in a hope of starting new, and starting a relationship?

But then part of me always thinks, well he's going to have to leave, I will lose him, and get hurt again.

But then am I over analyzing the situation?  Should I be accepting of this belated offer in an effort to start a relationship, the older I get the harder it's going to be..

That's what my heart says, because I really just NEED him there for me,

But he’s going to leave again, and can I really handle that? Am I mature enough to be able to deal with it and keep it a side from school, work, etc.. but my brain is telling me to push him away, get out fast RUNNNNNN!!!

 

 

 

A poem that I wrote during a workshop with Mrs. Baird:

 

 

Should I Love You?

 

I’m going to tell you,

What I’ve always meant to say.

I wadded up and tossed a thousand tries.

 

I’ve tried and failed for so long,

My emotions get so mixed up.

 

Should I love you because you are my father?

 

My mind swims with memories.

Good and Bad.

Holidays, birthdays, movies, cards, phone calls, presents.

 

Waiting by the door.

“He’ll come this time Mom, you’ll see.”

Hours spent waiting.

Waiting with a small girls hope,

Long after my brothers had given up.

 

Should I love you because I have always loved you, no matter how much I hated you?

 

As a girl,

I cling to the moments when you were there.

I cried inside when you weren’t.

 

There is a hole in my heart,

A stubborn wound that refuses to close.

 

Should I love you to allow it to heal?

 

Sometimes Mom would hold me,

As I screamed, and cried, and yelled.

It wasn’t fair,

She wanted to hate you too,

But she knew how much I hurt.

 

But as I lay there cursing you,

Didn’t it hurt so much because I loved you as well?

 

Should I love you because you say you love me?

 

I’ve begun to wonder if I will ever succeed.

I’ve tried so hard to tell you something,

That I don’t really know for myself, inside.

But wait?

What if I’m asking the wrong question?

Shouldn’t the question be,

Can I love you?

 

You say it all the time.

“Whether I like it or not.”

But what does it really mean?

 

Can you love a stranger?